Creating a New Reality

Hey Friends,

After Cunt Face and I settled Mama into my trailer (and, per her request, moved Starla's crib back into her bedroom), we rolled a blunt, grabbed a couple of Coors Lights and took a drive around the backwoods of rural Michigan.

We loved taking smoke drives--it was our "thing". Nothing was better than driving around with Cunt Face, getting stoned and listening to music. And it was especially great in the winter time, when the warmth of the car was in complete contrast to the frosty world outside.

When we were in the middle of nowhere, I took out the blunt and smeared it with honey. "This is what Shonda did," I told my twin sister.

"Then we shall smoke this blunt in her honor." She replied, giving me a little smile.

I lit the sticky pot-filled cigar and took a liberal hit. "This is ain't bad for the baby, is it? I mean, it's natural."

"I'm sure it's a lot better than a Coors Light! I thought you weren't drinking with this pregnancy."

I shrugged. "Who cares? I'm not a good mother, never been one and I'll never ever be one. People don't change Cunt Face and that's just how it is."

She laughed. "Jesus Christ, you are so cynical! You always look on the dark side of things--you never take in all the good things in life."

Now I was laughing. "Good things?! What good things?"

"You're alive. You're well. Mama has her memory back. You have a daughter who is happy and healthy--despite all the drinking and drugging you did during her pregnancy. You've got a life growing inside you now and you haven't aborted it yet. Trasha, you're growing and changing...perhaps it's your impending birthday or whatnot, but I think you're becoming a better person and you sure as hell should be happy about that!"

I thought about what Cunt Face said and she was right. I am pretty much a "glass is half-empty" kind of lady. How did Cunt Face maintain such a bright outlook in this bleak, bleak world. Surely it couldn't be all roses for her--she's a tranny! People aren't very positive to trannies, so how could she be so positive to them? Perhaps she got all the good traits and I got all the shitty ones, we were twins after all.

"Yeah, you probably have a point there, sister dear." I rested my hand on my womb, trying to feel the life growing inside of me. "But I'll drink this beer just the same. It'll relax the baby."

To be honest, I was changing and I knew it. But changing is scary because I'm thinking and feeling things I've never thought or felt before. It's like I don't even know who I am! I mean, not like I have amnesia or anything, but I just feel like a stranger in my own skin.

"My life used to be so simple before: I turned tricks, I sold my Home Abortion Kit, I made music, I hated babies and I was milking PJ for his disability checks. Then, everything goes haywire and PJ dies, I actually carry a baby to term and end up really digging her, I get hooked up with a drug-dealing madman who turns out to be a slave-drivin' baby seller! Then all this shit happens with Mama and finding out we have a brother we never knew existed and you become a tranny--"

"Hey, you said you accepted me!"

"I do! I do, but it is still one more major thing that has really flipped my entire life around! Can't you see how this would all be a little hard to take? You wonder why I am not looking at life through rose-tinted glasses?"

Cunt Face took the blunt from me and hit it hard. A few moments later, she expelled a huge cloud and said: "I don't look at life like that, Trasha. I'm not a fucking idiot. You have a choice to make: you can either look past the bullshit for those good things or you can focus on all the bad and be miserable. I prefer to not make my life a living hell and that is something you need to realize. You create your reality, Trasha."

Like always, Cunt Face was right: I do create my own reality and I made a promise right then and there, on the eve of my birthday, to create a new reality for myself. And this one wouldn't be a pile of shit!

Love,

Trasha