Trasha White's Famous Bottle Trick

Hey Friends,

When I woke up, I decided to face my pain the only way I knew how: shit-faced drunk and stoned on pain killers and weed. As soon as the pills hit me I decided that I needed to go out for a little fun. I pulled on a tube dress and heels, my rabbit fur coat, smeared some lipstick on haphazardly and ran a brush through my hair before heading out into the wintry night.

My vision was a bit blurry from the booze/pills combo, but I had a joint rolled in my purse and I was certain that once I smoked it, I'd be straight. I looked for my car, and then I remembered I had crashed it into Unis' trailer when I realized my brake lines had been cut. The lights in Unis' trailer were out, but her Honda was there. I figured she was asleep and since I don't much like her attitude, figured I'd borrow her car so I could get to the Memphis Lounge and back. She wouldn't miss it!

I reached into my purse and pulled out my Slim Jim (the piece of metal for opening car doors, not the snack food--tt was a gift from my twin sister Cunt Face) and got to work. I was inside the car in seconds and made fast work of hot-wiring it. That was a skill I picked up from Mama. Lord, did my family teach me a lot! I never realized it--I always felt like I did the teaching and others did the learning...

I sparked up the joint as I peeled out of the Mobile Home Estate Park and got to the Memphis Lounge in about thirty minutes. I was returning to the scene of the crime, since I'd been arrested there just a few nights ago. I'd show them who would let a little jail time and miscarriage stop them from having a good time! Not me!

The pills were really hitting me as I made my way through the bar door. I felt like I was floating and felt so warm that I didn't even wear my fur coat inside. I burst into the bar, grabbed the wall for support and bellowed:

"I'M FUCKED UP AND READY TO GET FUCKED! WHO WANTS TO POUND THIS PUSSY??? WHO???!!!"

I peered through the smoky air. The strands of Christmas lights (which they kept up all year round for "ambiance") glowed like big, fat stars. I couldn't make anyone's face out, but I could see large, manly shapes and smell their sweaty bodies.

I made my way to the bar and ordered a Coors Light. Marv handed it to me and said:

"Are you OK, Trasha?"

I nodded. "Uh huh. Marv, did you know I can squat down and take an entire 40 oz. bottle up my cunt?"

He laughed. "Yes, Trasha--everyone does. You did it for me two years ago, on my birthday."

I giggled. "Yeah, those were fun times, weren't they Marv? Oh, I can't wait to have more fun and make more memories. Say, you gotta bottle I could borrow? I want to impress my new friends here."

I turned to a man sitting next to me, with a greasy mustache and faded Detroit Tiger's baseball cap. "Are you my new friend? You wanna see my bottle trick?"

The guy said: "Hell yeah, lady--let's see it. Go on, Marv--give the lady a bottle."

Marv bent down, opened a cabinet under the bar and brought out a 40 oz. bottle of Old English.

"I carry this in case the blacks come in." He said, then handed it to me.

"Tell you what I'm gonna do, Marv," I said, rubbing my hands over the icy cold bottle. "I'm going squat down and do my bottle trick and THEN I'm going drink all this beer."

The other people seated at the bar started pounding on it, shouting:

"BOTTLE TRICK! BOTTLE TRICK! BOTTLE TRICK! BOTTLE TRICK!"

I pushed my way through the crowd and took over the dance floor. I cleared it out and when I was alone in the center, set the bottle down on the ground. I then hiked up my tube dress (I wasn't wearing any undies) and slowly, methodically, lowered myself down on top of the bottle. When it had disappeared completely up my cunt, I rolled on my back, threw my legs in the air and showed the crowd that it had vanished. They clapped, whistled, hooted and hollered so loud, I thought I'd go deaf!

And then I blacked out...

[To Be Continued]


Love,

Trasha